I got a call yesterday from the extras agency I work for, to see if I wanted to do a sketch on Harry Hill’s TV burp. I don’t mind doing films and background stuff but I had horrible visions of being humiliated on national tv. I need the money so I said yes.

I arrive at the studios at around 2pm. It quickly becomes clear (as it has many times before) that I’m on the lowest rung of the ladder they call “talent”. Met by a work experience girl who gets lost at every turn I’m ushered into the green room to await my impending doom.

Maybe I’ve reached an all-time low, this is really scraping the barrel. I’m basically a prostitute. Selling my own likeness – not even myself – I’m a human prop. I climb into a royal footman’s uniform, still unsure of what I will have to do- then through wardrobe, then make-up. I wonder if its possible to “sell out” when you don’t receive much money.

What if Iggy Pop only gets $200 for those insurance adds? Or Ringo Starr only got £16.50 to help rebrand Aviva. If Duffy is cycling her way to the bank with a diet coke stuck to her mouth, why am I even considering the notion? Selling Out has always been a strange idea to me. When we played gigs and they “sold out” we were over the moon. Likewise, when we pressed 1000 singles we wanted rid of the lot- and we weren’t giving them away. Maybe, you can only sell out if you make money that is unreasonably large or that you don’t need. Or maybe it’s about compromise.

I prefer to subscribe to Bukowski’s idea that- the moment you take your eye off the page and onto your audience, that’s when you’re fucked. Anyway, I am but a spec of algae in the metaphorical sea of famous fishes. I have no fame to trade- just self-respect.

Through my wig and hat you’d hardly know it was me anyway. I’m sat in the studio now with a fake Jeremy Paxman and a pretend Lion tamer- the relief is tangible when I’m told all I have to do is blow a fanfare after Harry Hill makes some joke about Freaky Eaters. Its all over in about 30seconds and it’s a blink and you’d miss it moment. Thankyou god.

Rick

I looked a bit like this:

I saw a TV programme last night about super skinny people exchanging diets with super fat people- tv gone mad.

Getting a thin girl to eat a fat mans food for a week is just bizarre. She felt really sick and he felt really hungry- what a revelation. I then saw a dinner party of anorexics asked to prepare there own brie sandwich and eat lunch together.

It sounds like a cruel comedy sketch – and it was. – “no, put a bit more brie on their girl” as she spread the thinnest line of cheese ever. It made me think that everyone is fucked up by there own desires- they’re out of control- the thin person wants to eat but can’t – the fat person wants to by thin but can’t stop eating – the poor person wants to be rich but the rich person isn’t happy anyway. People want to be famous – but the famous are messed up by it and either suck it up like a drug or want to curl up in a ball of anonymity.

The average Joe wants to be more eccentric. The eccentric feels misunderstood…. Blah blah blah – ok I’m generalizing and of course its not always the case– the point is, you can make money out of desire- so it’s encouraged all the time – its an endless dangling carrot, a mirage. It sells products, shifts units, builds brands. But we’re the ones that are shortchanged because you can’t buy happiness and desire is a mysterious moving set of goal posts that rarely brings you any satisfaction.

Rick

I found these quotes on desire:

“There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart’s desire. The other is to get it.”
George Bernard Shaw

“when will you accept yourself”
Morrissey

Socrates: Desire Quotes
“Be as you wish to seem.”

“We pursue that which retreats from us.”
Martin Hiedegger

“The desire of the moth for the star, Of the night for the morrow, The devotion to something afar From the sphere of our sorrow.”
Percy Bysshe Shelley

“We do not succeed in changing things according to our desire, but gradually our desire changes.”
Marcel Proust

Well I’ve never attempted one of these written blogs before. My previous offerings have been in video format. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. So my videos, at 30 frames per second, must be worth 30,000 words every second. I am quite concerned about the length of this blog if I wish to live up to the worthiness of my tour videos.

Anyway, I decided to take a picture of my room in London and describe what is going on. And it will give you a little insight to some of the cogs driving Unkle Bob in the background that most people don’t see. Here is my room on Warwick Road:

Sunflower seeds
Kindly left by my friend Owain from the great band Spokes. He usually sits eating them and leaving the shells all over the floor like a squirrel but he was good this last time. However, he shared a bed with me and kept me awake all night snoring like…

Homer
My advent calendar sent to me by my mother. She lives at Hill Top Cottage where we have often stayed over while touring the UK. On one occasion staying there, in the middle of the night, the house set on…

Fire
I have a fireplace that doesn’t work so it is filled with musical instruments from all over the world that sound really crap but they are thoughtful gifts. However it’s much more beneficial to use my…

Practice Pad
For practicing the drums at night when the neighbours are home. I don’t do enough. And in the day when the neighbours are out, I practice on my…

Drums
Also for practicing at night when the neighbours are home Rick actually got this drum kit 15 years ago and we’re still using it now! But it does the job so I’m not rushing to spend thousands on a brand new shiny kit. We’ve had it since we first introduced the drum kit to the band when we all lived in…

Glasgow
A wee reminder of our birth town, a towel with the Art of Charles Rennie Mackintosh. The Mackintosh is what us English people call a raincoat. It can also be shortened to…

Mac
Lifeline to the internet. Many hours are spent adding our myspace friend requests. We send a personal message to every new friend who joins us so it takes a bit of time. We also message as many fans from the towns we are going to play in too. And when we’re there, we sometimes interview them with my…

Camera
My essential bit of equipment. It’s just a digital still camera but we’ve made our most successful music videos on it including “Put a Record On” with the puppets, “Swans – from Warwick Road” where Rick is sitting crossed legged and our lastest offering “Bad Dream” which you will be able to see very soon. I use it for all our tour diaries too. Once we have all the footage, I’ll edit it on my…

Laptop
This is used for video editing. Many hours, days, weeks and months are spent trying to match live footage of mouths, plectrums and drum sticks to the live audio recording. And erasing a lot of poor footage…or footage that is not fit for public consumption. I also have music software installed for recording. The laptop is also used for triggering the original live recordings of the string quartet on “Swans” when we play live. I play these on stage using my….

Keyboard
Which sits next to my drum kit and literally encloses me in an inescapable corner at the back of the stage. Why can’t I be at the front of the stage and all the others can sit down in my little corner at the back? I finally get released at the end of the show when we take it in turns going into the crowd with the….

Mailing lists
More hours are spent typing up the names we have collected at gigs all over the world. The task becomes very difficult when you consider that the names are collected in dark venues, written by people who have often had one too many. Most of the time is spent putting the list as close to my face as possible and thinking, “What on earth does that say?” So I’ll just have another drink of…

Bitter
I am from North England and bitter is what we drink up there. I’ll drink a few and then go to…

Bed
Where all the magic happens.

I was writing a song in my room, getting nostalgic about people I’ve never met caught up in the melancholy of it all… and it snowed – when I poked my head out of the window to smoke a roley – it looked all serene – and it fitted and was euphoric. Like the weather was in tune….it was about the only thing in tune recently as I fight the singing demons stuck in my abdomen ….

Anyway the song that came was called Black Cadillac and I’ve posted it for you to hear. Its live and still a demo really –ron added some BVs and strings afterwards –. I don’t really know why but I keep listening to it expecting something to be different each time….bye then,

rick

Rick and Pete are currently in LA at Huntingdon beach!

We plan on driving back accross the US for our show in NYC on 23rd Oct.

If anyone can offer us a place to park the RV – some shelter from the storm – and maybe some food –

we’ll come play a gig for you!!!!- anywhere!!!

who knows what route we’ll take but message us back if you want us to come via you!!! or even if you just wanna hang out and show us your town!!!

lots of love,

Rick + Pete

PART 1 If you wanna follow our journey we have our little hand held video camera and are gonna try to film as much as we can and add videos along the way. Here’s our latest webisode…

On the way…

PART 2 The other bobs join us in new york….

PART 3 More goings on…

PART 4 Ron’s Tour Diary special…

PART 5

PART 6 The long drive from Denver to San Fransisco…

PART 7 Our first day off…

Hello there,

Just a quick note to say that we’re incredibly excited to be touring with James in the US and Canada! My first experience with James was on a camping holiday when I was about 15 to a campsite in Barmouth, Wales. We took a tape machine in a black bin liner (to keep the sand off) to these sand dunes beside the sea around the back of the campsite. Everyone was tripping and rolling around in the sand, looking at stars, the sea, etc and listening to this band called James and an album called Laid. It was an amazing backdrop to a very blissed out time which I can’t help but think of with misty eyes. So, to tour with them in the US and Canada will be amazing for me- I’ll do my best to make them play five-o…

I’m really looking forward to the next few months too- which is weird cos for so long we seemed to be in limbo waiting for this label or that label telling us we should reconfigure the first record or re-release this or that – I’m not having a go at anyone because I think we are better for our experiences and right now the ball feels like its back in our court again and we’re poised to smash it harder than ever.

We’re working on album number 2 – you can never really tell how well things are going but I think its ok – you might have heard So Sorry and Satellite from our myspace – which have set a kind of benchmark. Other new songs include Into Your Arms, Bad Dream, Lost at Sea, Woah woah woah, Don’t put your heart in my hands, Let it go… the list keeps growing – some of these songs will hopefully make it onto an EP (to precede the album) which we plan on releasing when we hit the US and Canada with James.

As always, please send us a message via myspace or the forums – we love to hear what you think about what we’re doing.

Peaceout

Rick

x

Hi there,

First off, I’d like to say thanks for the massive response we’ve had to our Myspace tour poll and subsequently our tour fund. Thanks to everyone who has commented, messaged, donated, etc etc. We’re very grateful, and can’t wait to get going with it all. So far we’ve booked a show in Toronto (NXNE 12-15th June) but there will be more to come in the next few weeks. The exact locations are as yet undecided -our agent over there is sorting out the best routing. But, after a meeting with our manager yesterday, I think we’re going to try to get across BOTH east and west coasts! Man, the US is massive!! We’re used to touring in the UK where anything south of Birmingham you can drive home every night and sleep in your own bed! Hahaha

As far as the band is concerned we are starting to rehearse again now following 3 months of not very much music, partly down to fatigue on my part from the last tour, and partly cos we didn’t know what the hell we were doing. I’m very glad to have some direction, some good people working on it and for it actually to be happening!

Today I read about the La’s re-releasing THAT album complete with all the different versions from over 3 different producers. That is one seriously long, drawn out process that probably still isn’t right in the eyes of the maker. But selfishly it does serve to make me feel better about the length of time my band takes to do things. “The closer you get to perfection, the closer you get to imperfection” said Mr Mavers. I’m not saying we’re anything like the La’s or perfect but things do take time…. Personally I’d rather release 1 good album than 10 ok albums, but that’s just me…

In my spare time I’ve found work as an EXTRA on films. What an odd bunch they are sitting on that bus all day long, talking shit, walking around in the background of films –Its like a cocktail party for out-of-work comedians, producers, actors, full-time extras, film buffs, me – where nobody knows each other – but you do get paid …

Anyway, here is a picture from my lastest film “Me and Orson Wells” where I co-star with Claire Danes and Zac Efron. Hollywood here I come……

Rick

x

Success, Haircuts and Fine Food

It’s a dog eat dog world aint it?? I met a guy in the pub tonight that I hadn’t seen in ages tonight, he clocked me and I clocked him. Last time I met him he mentioned “Where you guys been you just seemed to fall of the music radar?”. I assumed this was the reason I had to approach him; I regretted it when I did as he asked “Where do I know you from?” Hmmm don’t worry about me I said I’ll just return to the rather more unsuccessful rock from which I came. But I didn’t.

I’m getting my haircut tomorrow and it’s f***ing expensive. I always used to get my haircut for free of this Turkish geezer called Ercan (pronounced Ershan) but since a few key relationships ended my link has been severed somewhat its been kinda difficult to get a response. I guess he knows why I’m calling but we always have a good crack and a few beers and I go home with a great new barnet. Last time we spoke, inbetween trying to get me to go to the boxing or the dog track he mentioned he was trying to write a book about religion; encompassing everyone from the beer swilling, bacon butty eating Muslims to the straighter laced “by the book” types. I’d like to read it. There are always different degrees of something, be it religion, murder or success.

My new hairdresser is Giovanni from Turin he cost £34 can u believe it? I used to be able to get pissed on that back home in Glasgow and now I can’t even get my haircut for much less. He’s the first hairdresser I met that keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t “talk and cut” I think that’s why I pay extra. I also get good coffee.

I’m finally going back to Scotland for the first time in ages this weekend. I didn’t go back for Christmas or New Year so I’m cooking my Old Dutch dinner for mother’s day. I’m cooking scallops and chorizo to start, seafood paella for mains, and chocolate mousse for desert. I find myself with champagne taste and a beer income on a regular basis.

In conclusion, if you have also been in the pub and had one too many golden elixirs and feel like telling the world something tell me this….

1) How much was your last haircut?
2) What was the last swanky meal you cooked? And none of that frozen cheesecake shit!
3) How much does a pint of Staropramen, a Jack Daniels and coke, and a shot of Sambuca cost in your local. Does your barman look like a highwayman?

Till next time

Stuart xx

Hello, Hope you had a good Christmas and New Year and managed to survive the worlds most depressing month January. I think the 21^st Jan is the biggest day for suicides I dunno where I read that maybe its rubbish. (It’s the 22^nd, I just googled it.”Blue Monday” they call it, officially designated by a psychologist too….)

It’s funny when the New Year comes around and everybody decides “I`m gonna change my ways”, stop smoking, stop drinking, lose weight the list goes on…endlessly. I have noticed this most at my local gym, the sudden influx of red sweaty faces all huffing and puffing away, or straining like Elvis on the toilet seat trying to lift some ridiculously heavy weight. I would just like to say to you all now…..STAY AT HOME. You guys are messing up my schedule in the gym. I can’t get on any of the machines and I was doing this long before you even thought about it. Thank you.

As we’re on the subject of exercise, my manager phoned me up the other day and asked me if I wanted to play 5-a-side football with him, I think he’d had a few vino`s. After 10 minutes or so of his famous Jedi mind tricks I had agreed. I hadn’t played football seriously in a decade or so and the idea was filling me somewhat with slight unease. With none of the apparel I visited a friend who gave me some shin pads and footy socks. My old man used to play professionally but I wasn’t really the protégé he had hoped for I think. Music is more my game.

Everyone that turned up on the night apart from me and one other was kicking forty and there was no “keepy-uppies” going on…..my confidence grew slightly. It was a 6-6 draw in the end and I had a good time running about like a headless chicken “making play” if you can call it that. My attempts at goal verged on the ridiculous, like a ricocheted bullet going in unexpected directions or when you see those angry golfers slice their ball into the rough. I spent most of the second half in goals like when that machine fires tennis balls at you. It’s taken me the best part of a week to recover and I have bruises all over me from diving onto wooden gymnasium floor but it was a good laugh. Will I be going next Wednesday hmmmm….. Jury’s out on that one.

I’ve been enjoying quite a musically creative streak recently, its great when that happens; it allays the fear that you will never write a song again. I’m using a computer out of the ark to record stuff on but it’s pleasantly limiting as there aren’t so many choices to make. I’m three songs in so far and showing no signs of letting up. What I’m going to do with them is another matter completely.

I hope you are all well and in good spirits. If you’re not, I just read that “Blue Monday” article I googled. A psychologist at the University of Warwick recommends spending 15 minutes trying to write down three reasons why you should be grateful. Great idea!!!!! Instead of going to my gym try some “gratitude exercises”, failing that the pub is always just round the corner.

All the best

Stuart